Booger Collection

Never, and I mean never, try to out-gross a kid. You will always lose. As the boys and I were driving back from Kentucky over the weekend, I listened to them play the ultimate cut-down contest.

Maginnis: "You're slimy eyeball juice..."

Phoenix: "Yeah, well you're a dirty diaper..."

Maginnis: "You're a smelly fish breath head..."

Phoenix: "You're a dog and you lick your butt!"

Yep. I think the four year old won that round. Where does he get that material? Hmm...the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

David was giving Phoenix a hard time about having a snotty nose a while back. Basically, he told him that it's not cool to snort drippy boogers up into your brain and that it's even worse to let drippy boogers run down your lip and into your mouth. He told Phoenix that if he saw him with a boogery nose, he was going to pin him down, dig his boogers out with a spoon and add them to his booger collection in a jar he had hidden in his closet. Phoenix rolled on the floor and laughed until tears popped out of his eyes.

About a week later, David took the boys shopping at Publix. He zoomed the buggy around like a demolition derby car and the boys squealed with delight. Good thing I wasn't there, I might have had a heart attack watching him with the buggy. David brought the boys to a screeching halt in the freezer section, opened one of the glass doors, and began to grab frozen waffles. As he closed the door and turned around he was greeted by a smiling Nix, arm outstretched, finger pointing and a huge, yellow, oozy, crusty booger dangling.

"Here David, this is for your collection!"

Bips

There are some words that your toddler says that you will remember forever. For instance, a sippy cup is still called a bubba even though neither of my kids use one anymore.

If you were to ask Phoenix what his favorite cereal is, he would say "Peanut Butter Chocolate Flava" and would roll his head while saying it. Mind you, the cereal's real name is Reece's Chocolate Peanut Butter Puffs.

When Phoenix was about 2 years old, he called chips "bips." And boy did he love his chips. You wouldn't even think of taking the Pringles can from him.

"Back off my bips," he'd say.

That holiday season we had a party to attend at a friend's house. Many of the guests had kids and they had all brought new toys from Santa. Down the hall, the boys raced cars on the wood floor, while in the spare bedroom, the girls worked on an art project. In the living room, friends gathered around an enormous Christmas tree decorated with blue glowing lights and shiny, blue, retro-styled, glass ornaments.

As the evening lingered sleepy children found their way to their parents' laps or the warm laps of their parents' friends. I sat on the couch with Maginnis in my arms while Phoenix made the social rounds about the coffee table. Engaged in a converstaion with a friend I had not seen in some time (probably not since th last holiday party) I felt a subtle nudge from someone sitting next to me. When I turned my attention to her, she tilted her head in the direction of Phoenix. Looking up, I saw the entire room staring at Phoenix as he took bip after bip, licked off the salt, and then returned the bip to the basket. My gasp made everyone erupt into laughter.

Now every year, when we go to the same friend's house for their annual holiday party, I am reminded by everyone of the "bip licking incident."

Wall-E

With every Disney or Pixar animation there seems to be a wealth of material that becomes integrated into our family's daily language. For instance, when Finding Nemo came out, we possessively declared anything that was ours "mine, mine, mine, mine" like the seagulls flying through the sail of the boat. The little hyena from Lion King, with the voiceover done by "Cheech" Marin, said, "I'm so hungry I just gotta have a wilderbeast." That quote became the "I'm Starving" call out for the girls. I thought I would never hear the end of "Curse you teeny tiny toilet," from Despicable Me. Then, from the same movie, there was "I said DART gun...not [fart gun]."

Back when the movie Cars came out, I was trying to potty train Phoenix. Then I discovered a book called Potty Train Your Child in Just One Day, by Teri Crane (which, by the way, truly works). The book recommends throwing a potty party for your child, preferably a themed one. At the time, Nix was mad for the movie Cars. We had every Cars toy imaginable. He watched the movie at least once a day, had a big stuffed Lightening McQueen pillow, and Cars pajamas and slippers. For the party, I made a race track from the party room to the bathroom. Every trip to the bathroom became the Piston Cup (or in our case the Pissin' Cup).

Then there was Wall-E, the movie with the lovable robot who cleaned the Earth's garbage after man abandons the planet. Wall-E spends his days compressing trash and collecting trinkets. He is startled when he pulls the trigger of a fire extinguisher, naively throws away a sparkly diamond, engagement ring in favor of the hinged box he found it in, and is baffled by a lace piece made of straps and twin molded cups that end up on his face. This last piece, is a true curiosity to Wall-E or for that matter Phoenix.

Within days of seeing the movie, Phoenix skips from the doorway of my closet while I am getting ready in the bathroom one morning. He flashes his dimples at me before whipping my favorite black, lace, Victoria's Secret bra out from behind his back and over his eyes.

"Waaall-E" Phoenix impersonates.

"Silly..." I mechanically reply.

The Magic of Butt Fire

As I mentioned in an earlier post, boys relish in all things disgusting. So it comes as no surprise that farts are the world's most entertaining noise to my kids. I once bought Potty Putty for the boys. Ever seen the stuff? It comes in a plastic container shaped like a tiny toilet. The contents of the toilet look like slimy gelatin. When you dig your fingers into the side and then squish the contents back inside, it makes the most delicious of sounds - that of a very wet fart! The novelty of Potty Putty lasted for days and the laughter was heard for hours upon end until the stuff dried up into sticky gelatinous turds.

My boys love farts au naturel, too, of course. I once heard Maginnis fire one off with machine gun force. I was quite sure he had launched himself from his chair and that the seat would be riddled with smoking holes. The boys laughed until they couldn't breathe, methane gas, turned laughing gas.

Farts have become ammunition for Phoenix. If he doesn't want me to dress him, he fires a hot one in my lap. If I try to catch him to put him in the bath, he runs down the hall naked, bends over, and fires a ripe one in my direction before running away. When I listen to the boys wrestling with one another, I can always tell when Maginnis has Nix in a headlock.

"You better let me go, or I'm gonna fart on you!"

"Alright. Alright!" Maginnis relinquishes.

Yesterday morning, I pulled a very sleepy Phoenix from his bed and drew him into my arms for a quick snuggle before getting him ready for pre-school. He affectionately nuzzled his head into my shoulder then ripped one on my arm.

I could feel the vibration against my flesh and gasped in shock at his early morning antics, "Phoenix!"

"That's the magic of butt fire, Mom!" Phoenix whispered.

No kidding. Wait till he learns you can light a fart.

New Shoes

There are the simple pleasures of childhood. Remember them? A lollipop from the bank drive-thru, a sticker from the doctor, or a pack of bubble gum you could call your own, because mom said you didn't have to share it with your brother or sister. New shoes are one of those pleasures.

I took the kids shoe shopping for school. I hate shoe shopping. I always have one of two problems when shopping for shoes. Either the store doesn't have the sizes I need, or the shoes cost $50. I don't have that kind of money to spend on shoes that my kids are going to outgrow in a few months! Of course, every pair of shoes the boys fall in love with are the $50 variety with flashing lights and monster truck tire treads. I was on a mission this time. I would find cheap, cool shoes for school if it killed me.

Ahhhh (the heavens sing) as we enter Sports Authority. There are piles of shoes on tables at the front the store with a huge CLEARANCE sign. I thrust my hands into the heap of Nikes, Adidas, Sketchers, and Reeboks. Bingo! I score a pair of size 11, black, blue and silver Sketchers. Phoenix sees them and is tearing his shoes off like a super hero without a phone booth. I put the shoes on him. They are a perfect fit. I barely get the straps of Velcro attached before he is off and running down the aisles of the store. He runs like a gazelle. Like a mini track star. His smile is a mile wide.

"Mama. These shoes make me fast!" He beams.

You'd have thought they were cars the way he talked about them. I expected flames to shoot from the exhaust of his heels. If I lifted the tongue of his shoes, perhaps I'd find a tricked out engine. Needless to say, we sped to the register and I happily used my credit card to pay $30 for a pair of regularly priced $50 shoes.

Once home, Phoenix raced around the house. Everything was done in lightning speed (which is saying a lot for a four-year old). Perhaps he was absorbing nitrous oxide from the electronic, fuel-enjected, high compression, V8 engine of his shoes...or maybe he was just the happiest kid in the world to have new shoes. So happy, that he went to bed wearing them that night.

Naked Chicken and Seaweed Soup

Naked Chicken (nuggets)

What kid doesn’t love McDonald’s? And what kid doesn’t like chicken nuggets? Recently Nix decided that ordinary nugget eating was simply not entertaining enough. He developed a deconstructed nugget eating method that included peeling the fried crusts off all the nuggets, eating all the crusts and then eating all the nuggets. Weird. I know. Whatever – he’s four.

After an evening of skating with 5 kids (3 of mine plus friends), I took everyone to McDonald’s for dinner. As we all sat at the table, Phoenix began his routine deconstruction.

Colin, Maginnis’ friend, looked on with curiosity before exclaiming, “WHAT is he doing?”

Without missing a beat, Nix answered, “I strippin’ my chicken. I like ‘em naked!”

There's Seaweed in My Soup

Toddlers are so suspicious of anything new we feed them. They look at new food as if it were laced with poison and they might die from one bite. I usually keep my pantry stocked with chicken noodle soup and tomato soup, as they are both favorites with the kids. However, the last time I went shopping, I must have accidently grabbed chicken won-ton soup instead of chicken noodle. Hmmm. I made it anyway. I served the soup, sat back and waited for the questions to start.

Phoenix's nose scrunched, "What dis Mama?"

"Soup, Baby. It's chicken soup with a surprise on the bottom of the bowl!"

I'm thinking wontons are an awesome surprise.

Phoenix stirred his soup, green herbs swirling in broth, before his face turned into a full blown scowl, "Mama, you give me seaweed soup! I'm not eating seaweed!"

And he didn't.

Victoria's Secret Goes to School

I guess I shouldn't have been surprised when the boys and their dad arrived back from Virginia with a pink blanket in tow; it was silk after all. Phoenix had long had a fetish for all things silk so it was no shocker he fell in love with a blanket belonging to his new baby cousin, Kyla. The blanket, which became known as Kyla Blankie, was divine: made of soft chenille on one side and satin on the other, it was plush and soft beyond the words of my then two-year-old.

I discovered my child's love of silk early on. When going to the fabric store, as I pushed the buggy down the aisles, Phoenix would reach his hand out touching all the fabrics as we passed by. If we went down an aisle of silk or satin, Phoenix's eyes would glimmer like that of crack addict about to get his fix. When I would get dressed for work and wore silk blouses, Phoenix would follow me around the house "petting" me. He would look at me with pleading eyes, "Mama, hold me." As soon as I lifted him, he would start to rub his cheek on my silken shoulder.

It got to the point where Phoenix would go into my closet looking for silk blouses. If the blouse had strings or sashes that hung down, he would yank them off the hanger and make off with his silky prize. Soon he discovered my lilac robe. He pulled it from the hook on the wall and wrapped himself inside. When it was time to go to school, he refused to let go his new found silk security blanket. So off to school he went with my Victoria's Secret robe.

I joke that when Phoenix is older, as least I know that he will spoil his future girlfriend and wife. She will have all the shiniest and softest lingerie. And when I come to visit my son, and see a silk bathrobe on the back of the bathroom door, I'll know where it came from.

Tiny Hands and Fly Dinner

Tiny Hands

Most kids want to grow up. When they are in kindergarten, they want to be in first grade. When they are in the 5th grade, they can't wait to get to middle school. Once in high school, they can't wait to graduate. Hurry up and grow up! Then there is my Phoenix. Once we had been snuggling in bed for a nap. We were playing and being silly, and I was telling him all the things I loved about him. I kissed his freckles on his cheeks and nibbled his little toes before placing his tiny hands in mine and professing, "You can never grow up. Mommy just loves you too much. You're so cute I want you to stay this size forever!" And so it was that Phoenix decided to never grow up. Now he says he doesn't want to eat sometimes because food will make him grow. Dangle a favorite food before him though and he'll quickly forget plans for stunting his growth - his want to stay small forever. As Phoenix munches on his peanut butter and jelly sandwich he says, "I will get big if I eat, but my hands will stay tiny. I just want tiny hands Mama. Tiny hands because you love them, right?"

They Had Fly for Dinner (Say What?)

David took all the kids to Taco Mac the other night so I could indulge in some alone time. When they all returned, I asked Nix what everyone had to eat.

"I had mac-n-cheese and so did Maginnis."

"What did everyone else get?"

"They had fly."

"What?"

I looked at David and asked Nix to tell me again what everyone had for dinner.

Phoenix looked at David and said, "You and Alyssa and Brookie had fly, right? What that called you ate, David?"

I saw something register on David's face. The ah-ha I know what he's talking about look.

"You mean wings, Nix. We had wings you goof."

Wings. Fly. I see the association now.